How I Have Been Ending My Enemies

Reildo Souza
Jan 8
3 min read

I used to believe that having an enemy was a sign of strength—a badge of honor that proved I stood for something. I was wrong. Having an enemy is actually a leak in my overhead. Every minute I spend feeling animosity is a minute someone else’s actions are governing me.

I’ve realized that I don't need to "defeat" anyone. I don't even need them to like me. I just need to render their ability to affect my peace obsolete. Here is how I’ve been redrawing the map of my world.

I Stopped Confusing "Conflict" with "Enmity"

I used to take disagreement personally. Now, I see it as data. If someone opposes my ideas, they aren't my enemy; they are a stress-test.

If I feel a sting when someone criticizes me, that’s my ego, not the truth.
By removing the "enemy" label, I can actually listen to what they’re saying. Sometimes my "adversary" is the only person brave enough to tell me the truth my friends are too polite to mention.

The Robbers Cave Rule: I Look for the Mission, Not the Man

I learned from the Robbers Cave Experiment that you can’t talk your way out of hate. In that study, two groups of boys hated each other until they had to fix a broken water pipe together.

Now, when I find myself in a standoff, I don't ask, "How can we be friends?" I ask, "What is the 'broken pipe' we both need to fix?" If I can find a shared goal, the animosity evaporates because it becomes an obstacle to progress. If there is no shared goal, I don't fight; I simply walk away.

I Set "Ghost Boundaries"

I used to think boundaries were about telling people "No" or "Don't do that." That’s too much work. Now, I set boundaries that don't require the other person’s permission.

Low Stakes, No Access: I can be perfectly civil, even "friendly" in a conversation, while internally knowing that I will never trust that person with my heart or my business.
The "Zero Animosity" Policy: I don't hold grudges because I don't have the room for them. Grudges are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I’ve chosen to stop drinking.

I Don't Wait for Them to Change

This was my biggest blind spot. I used to think peace depended on the other person "seeing the light." The Truth: I am not the world’s therapist. People may be toxic, stagnant, or cruel, and that is their journey, not mine. By refusing to be their "enemy," I stop participating in their drama. I’m not waiting for them to become a "better person" before I feel at peace. I’m at peace now because I’ve resigned from the war.

Do I Stand for Anything?

I have to ask myself the hard question: If I have no enemies, am I just being a "nice guy" to avoid the heat? I’ve decided that I will still stand for my principles. If standing for the truth creates "enemies" in the eyes of others, that’s their problem. I will not hate them back. I will remain a Civil Adversary—someone who can disagree fundamentally while remaining entirely calm.

The New Bottom Line

I don't "make friends" to end enemies. I outgrow them. I move so far along my own path of growth that the people who used to bother me are now just distant figures on a landscape I’ve already left behind.